There’s a quiet but constant, imminent sense of imbalance in my life. Let’s go through the reasons why:
1. There’s the family issue. I miss them, and yet I feel that I am moving farther away from them. I am not as home as often, not in touch with the siblings as much as I should, and not check in my parents as much as I should. While I love them dearly and they are the place I turn to when the world seems cold and dark, I feel distant from them. I know I should do more, should ask more, should check in more, but on the other hand, I am in avoidance because if I poke any further, I might open cans of worms I am not equip to handle. So for that I feel guilty.
2. Work. I am not as productive as I should. I have completely fallen off the bandwagon, pulled myself into my own shell and put up a complete avoidance of people. I don’t talk to people as much as I should because I just can’t find things to say or ask. I really don’t want to ask things just for the sake of asking, such as “oh, how was your weekend?” or “how are you today?” I will ask when I really care. Maybe then, I should care more about the people I work with. Adult business aside, I feel like I am disappointing my kids. I am not innovative enough, I am pushing them too hard, and I can tell that I my temperament has often dampen their days in my class. I love them dearly, and I want them to do well, but it comes out so harshly that even I am disgusted with what I am doing. For that, I feel guilty.
3. Relationships. I feel I am sinking into a bigger hold each day. I am on quick sand and I can’t seem to get out. I notice I do things for to attract the attention of one single human being and I don’t like it. I am once again, morphing myself into this obsessive creature and losing my identity in the process. My world is beginning to revolve around one person and for that, I am disappointed. Have I lost my sense of identity. Where am I ? Who am I ? I have worked so hard, fought so hard to find me and then I think I lost it because I found someone more interesting than me. I found a boy in the burning house and now I want to save him. Or maybe he’s the one that starts the fire and I want to save him too. Unfortunately, that person should not be my only source of happiness, but the cruel fact is that, for now, he is. For that I feel guilty for myself.
At first, I named this post imbalance. Then I added avoidance. There is a section in here that is missing, and that it’s faith or my relationship with God which is now semi non-existence. And that there is true avoidance. An avoidance I am not quite ready to put into words. So for now, my world is in imbalance, a middle ground of uncertainty.