Today is one of those funny, weird, odd day. Okay, so it’s not like that. It’s just a hectic Monday as always. Schedule was packed with working, early dinner with friends, tutoring, and dinner with my roommate who has lost her voice. However, in the midst of it all, the image of N appeared in my head. I think for the past week, I have periodically dreamt about N, in one way or another. If dreams exist to help us clear out our old memories, then I guess it’s been way too long we haven’t talk, see, or communicate with each other. Is it time to completely erase those memories? No regrets there. Each of us had a path we had to follow. I will forever feel blessed to have had N in my life.
However, back to today, it was definitely difficult. I dreamt of us seeing each other, but never exchange a word. I saw a glimpse of his face in my dream and I woke up missing it. Today, I miss him, or maybe I miss the “him” I thought he was. I miss it so much that for a split second, I almost thought of calling just to hear his voice, but then I snapped out of it and went my ways, just like how he is going his. I do wonder if I have ever crossed his mind. Maybe right? Maybe just a little? So what does he think of when he thinks of me? Regrets ? Disappointment? Disgust ? I hope not.
As I am writing, my eyes are a little watery, I do have to swallow my tears. Somewhere on the tip of my tongue, there is bitterness. A bitterness that lingers with the image of him. I once had hoped to give him the world. But my world now is just too fragile for him to hold. It belongs to me now and I don’t want to give it to anyone.