Today might be the day. Key word: might.
Reflecting on the past few months and the past few posts, I have to say, life is not going well. Recently, I have been frustrated with the task of figuring out why is it that I can’t just seem to be happy? There are people whom I have met who exude this positive energy and light. It seems like they are living life to its fullest, just looking at them let allow me to see how one can be so high on happiness, and on the other hand, how far I am from true happiness. Why is it that I can’t get myself up in the morning? Why is it that my happiness cannot be prolonged beyond a few hours? I know I exude negative energy, even I can feel it coming to work and coming home. Why am I always so lethargic and lackluster? In fact, I have a very vivid memory of a walk I had from my apartment to the bus stop in 2004, after my VietNam trip. A walk when I finally saw what happiness was. It made a big impact on me and I have been trying to recreate that moment ever since.
Why do I call today the day? It’s because a close friend might have just hit the bull’s eye when he told me that I have to focus on myself. Taking his advice out of the context of the conversation, I feel that I might have been feeling this way because I have been living in someone else’s shadow and not in my own light. I have to say, it must be tiring to live in someone else’s shadow and maybe that’s what causing all the discontent in my life. Why live someone else’s life when I can live my own and focus on loving myself, do things that I want to do rather than trying to live another life so far removed from my own. Maybe that’s why I am tired all the time. Thinking back, after the trip of 2003, I returned with no real object of affections. I was living my life, making decision independent of everyone. I was enjoying building what is mine, doing what I made me feel good. And if I wanted to recreate that moment, I probably need to do the same. That’s why I say “might.”
I don’t know if today is the day I say “I will start living my life” I am don’t know if I am determined enough sever ties and do complete turn around. On the other hand, a part of my heart says “why not?” “why can’t today be the day?” It might. It just might be the day I walk out of a shadow and live a life that is my own. I will not settle to be living someone else’s life. I deserve to have someone to bring the best out of me. Understand what I want and is willing to walk with me, not behind me, not in front of me, but with me, side…by…side. And today might be the day (that is if I don’t forget about it after my sleep tonight.)
Love and Light =)